


I'd Drench Myself in Rain, If It Means I Get To Be With You

by forgetabouteverything



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:53:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25910884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetabouteverything/pseuds/forgetabouteverything
Summary: In which Seungwan is allergic to rain and Joohyun is a girl from a place where the rain never stops.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Son Seungwan | Wendy
Comments: 7
Kudos: 41





	I'd Drench Myself in Rain, If It Means I Get To Be With You

**Author's Note:**

> I already posted this story in AFF a while ago, under a similar username. Just a heads up to everyone who noticed and read this before. That's all, thank you for reading!

I stared at the clock on my bed table. 3:42 PM, it says.

The rain was pouring hard that first autumn afternoon outside my little studio, its chill sipping through the small crack from my window I didn’t bother covering up. The little taps on the roof coming from the falling raindrops are like soft beats from a certain lullaby song I’ve listened to sleep. The petrichor finds its way in my humble home, along with the few wet leaves the breeze delivers.

Once upon a time, I was greatly afraid of the rain.

It was to the point that even a hint of it on my clothes would cause me my death.

However, despite all the dreadful memories it brought in my short, thirty years of living, there was one autumn that I get to find happiness in it.

It was that autumn that I found her. The cure I was dreaming, yearning for my whole young life.

Eleven years had gone by since, and a lot has changed. The huge oak tree in the middle of the park has been cut down and now a huge marble fountain stood, with twinkling lights glowing on its sides when night falls. The streets have been cemented now, no trace of the past muddy footprints I’ve memorized in my mind. Even the small playground by the river is gone now, replaced by a small tea shop I frequently pass by because their milk tea is amazing.

And yet, some things stayed the same. The skies still look the same way every four seasons. The wind still smells the same, a hint of the ocean and afternoon, freshly baked pastries from the bakery three houses down the road. Red Academy for Girls stood down the next street, with its walls and towers still as majestic as ever, despite being repainted three years ago.

The message I sent her in my old flip phone stayed the same as well, along with the books she’d read whenever she’s bored, which wasn’t quite a lot.

『I’d drench myself in the rain if it means I get to be with you. Sent: 3:47PM, November 23, 2009』

I had no idea if she ever read it.

The radio started playing a different track. A smile broke out on my lips. It’s that song I’ve written for her. Although she couldn’t hear it next to me, I hoped that somehow the melody I created with the strums of my guitar, with poems I wrote about her, reaches her heart somewhere in the rain's wind.

In the first verse, my mind recollects the lost pieces of memories I’ve shared with her… and it started that autumn afternoon, at the little home we found for each other.

Physical Science Section, Third Floor, Library Tower, Red Academy for Girls.

The rain is pouring hard outside the sanctuary of books I’ve long resided in. Tall shelves filled with paperbacks and hardbound titles with leather covers decorated the place like a maze. Huge staircases spiral around and until it reaches the far ceiling. I had my headphones on, drowning the sound of rain with loud beats coming from a rock band I grew to adore. The music isn’t good, nor is their lyrics that are all made up of gibberish words I couldn’t comprehend. It serves its purpose though, blocking the strong gush of the downpour so I won’t feel like dying.

The coldness it brings wasn’t obscured though. I sensed a chill ran up my spine as I buttoned my dark blue sweater. It didn’t help much.

My left hand started feeling itchy. I touched the blue umbrella next to me as if clinging on it will ensure me a long life.

I don’t have it. A long life, I mean.

I grew up with a rare disease, you see. It’ll probably kill me before I reach 20.

My name is Son Seungwan. When I predicted my death at twenty, I was only a young girl, not nearly seven years old. It has been twelve years since then, and each year that passes, I’ve become more detached in society, only considering books as my only acquaintance in the brief passage of time that they call life.

When I started high school, I volunteered as a student assistant in the academe’s library, and ever since then, the tower that keeps it has been my prison. I spend all my time beneath the facade of brown covers and tall, wooden shelves, not interacting with any living thing that comes by.

Except for the librarian, Miss Taeyeon.

The students know me well though. They call me a weird name that I have barely any interest in. After all, it’s weird to make connections with people when your life is short.

I tried to focus on the history book I’m reading, a classic cultural history book I found by chance on the dusty corners of the library.

I made a silent prayer. _Please make the rain stop._ It was a matter of life and death. I left my medicine on the first floor, on my grey sling bag I always bring to school when I plan to cut my classes.

And then she appeared before me. Long, black hair, stormy dark brown eyes, and pink lips gaping. Her white uniform with a short, plaid skirt was drenched all over that I could even see the vague red patterns in her bra.

She looked like a fish out of water.

“You’re holding an umbrella,” she said.

I didn’t understand her. I still had my headphones on so I lifted the left part a bit to hear her.

“I said, you’re holding an umbrella.” She repeated.

“I know.”

“Let me borrow it.”

My grip on the umbrella grew tighter on instinct.

“No.”

“Touché. Just how selfish are you?” The girl shrugged, before taking a casual seat next to me by the bookshelf.

She got too close, which alarmed me so I moved twelve inches away. I made sure the umbrella is resting silently between the two of us, my grip on it never loosening. It was my lifeline, my anchor keeping me away from death.

I told you I have a rare disease, right? In more accurate terms, I have an allergy… a rain allergy.

It was too weird that even doctors didn’t know how to cure it. No psychologists, no researcher, no one had a clue how to eliminate it.

It happened one day, when I woke up on a rainy day, that I started having seizures as if I can’t breathe. I doubled over my bed and blacked out and when I woke up; I had an extreme fever with my skin red and inflamed as if I held a poison ivy and rubbed it all over my body.

It was an awful memory I didn’t wish to go through again.

Which brings me back to my current predicament.

“You’re wet,” I said, not even bothering to glance at the black-haired girl sitting next to me. “Please make sure not to touch me.”

“Hey, you’re too mean. I’ve been drenched by the rain, and you could’ve offered your sweater to me or something. Maybe you can let me borrow your umbrella too so I can have a run to the main building and change. _Please.”_

The girl even gave puppy eyes that should be cute. Cute things never appealed to me.

“You lack empathy. Pft.” She tapped her cheek with her index finger, acting like she was thinking of something, then she clasped her hands together with a squeal. “That’s it! I know what will make you take pity on me!”

I glanced at her. “What?”

“I am sick… and the doctors said I only have three months of life left to live.”

I just stared at her for twenty seconds before returning to my book. I increased the volume of the music I’m listening in and ignored her.

Damn well, that girl knows trouble.

She took my headphones off and glared at me. “Hey, why are you ignoring me? I’m Bae Joohyun, don’t you have any idea?”

This was a bad thing. I can now clearly hear the rain pouring heavily. Each second, my heartbeat went faster and faster.

 _Ten minutes, then I’ll die._ I started counting down each second after that.

“Hey, why are you suddenly shivering? You wear that comfy coat while I’m totally drenched here. What are you acting for?!” This stuck up girl demanded, her eyebrows furrowed but is also worried.

“In ten minutes, I’ll die,” I said, as I started losing my strength.

“Y-yah! Don’t joke about that!”

“I-It’s true.”

“W-wait, are you that ghost girl living in the school library who is allergic to the rain?! S-should I run away now and scream--??”

I couldn’t reply. I doubled over, trying to exert all my remaining energy in holding up my arms so I won’t collapse on the dusty wooden floor.

“Shoot! This won’t do! Hey, look up at me!”

I did. She surprised me.

A kiss on my lips, and warm arms enveloping my body. I can feel my coat having a patch of wetness from where the girl is holding me.

It didn’t matter though. All I can think about is her soft lips against mine, intoxicating me each minute that passes.

And then I blacked out.

The next time I woke up, I was in a familiar place. The ceiling is dull white, and the duvet is of the same color. Cold and lacking warmth. It made me want to run away.

However, the warmth coming from my right hand steered me away into the current reality as my vision tunneled to this black figure sitting by my bed.

 _It was that girl._ I noticed. She was in deep sleep, albeit looking uncomfortable with her current position. She had her upper body crouched all over the left side of my bed. _She must’ve had a shock in her life when I collapsed._

_She looks pretty even when fast asleep._

Her bag rests a few spans away from her head. Using my free hand where the IV drip is connected, I measured it. Three spans. I sighed. A book was sticking out from her bag. I planned to put it back inside, but something sparked inside me.

I was never a nosy person. I rarely care about my surroundings, but a laminated four-leaf clover bookmark was sneaking out, and it intrigued me. Ever so slowly, I reached for the book and took a peek inside.

Turns out, it was her diary.

「September 12, 2009. Dear Diary,

Today, I found out that I only have six months left. The doctors said I had DVT, which developed into a pulmonary embolism. They said they couldn’t stop new blood clots from forming. I didn’t understand what they mean though. Oh well…

I didn’t know what I want to do in those six months. Maybe I should get a tattoo? Sneak out during classes and watch movies? Oh, I want to head out deep at night and watch a Super Junior concert!

Wait, wait! I’ve also heard rumors about a dark blue ghost lurking around the school’s library! Maybe I should make friends with her!

I should add more to this list when I think of something…」

At the bottom of the page, words scribbled with a different pen can be barely seen.

「I will make my crush my girlfriend! 」

“She’s weird,” I commented, putting her diary back to where it belonged.

_A girlfriend, huh? So that means she’s… well, it’s not my business._

I tried to free my hand from her grasp, but it seemed to wake her up. Her eyes slowly fluttered open as her free hand rubbed the corners of it.

When our eyes locked, she started crying.

“You’re awake!” She screamed, surging forward to choke me in her arms. “You don’t know how scared I was! I was screaming and then thankfully the librarian came in. She got the shock of her life too, then scuffled in her stuff until she put out a syringe and attacked you! Are you okay now? Do you feel sick? I’m sorry!!!”

 _Taeyeon unnie must’ve been scared as well._ I added in my mind. _I should apologize to her the next time._

I turned my head to stare at the window. The curtains are tight shut that not even a single hint of light comes through.

“Is it nighttime…?” I asked.

The girl retracted from the embrace, glancing at where I focused my gaze.

“Yeah, a little past ten. Why?”

“Is it raining outside?” I asked again.

She shook her head. “There was a short drizzle an hour ago, but it should be done by now.”

I nodded before slowly slipping out of the blankets over me. I detached the IV drip in my right hand and tussled among the closed cabinets, grabbing anything I could find and stuffing it inside my grey sling bag resting in a corner. I grabbed two apples from the fruit basket on the side table before staring at the stranger in the room, who was looking at me with confusion.

“Do you feel guilty for making me almost die?” The question left my lips, unnerving as I gave her a stare.

“Hey, how can you say it like that!?!” She pouted, still nodding her head. “But yeah, I do.”

“Then help me get out.”

I figured the girl will stay away from me. She must’ve thought I had a loose screw. After all, I made her jump two stories high from the hospital building. We got out of it unscathed, thankfully. I did have a sore shoulder while trying to catch her.

Everything was back to normal, and the memory of that black-haired, pale white-skinned girl disappeared to the back of my mind.

Until two weeks later, when she appeared before me at the same place, in the most obscured corner of the library. It was a sunny day, and sunbeams were passing through the clear, tall windows the tower possessed.

She stood there, by that light, with the floating dust swirling around her gently.

It was quite a sight to see.

“I knew I’ll find you here.” She said, panting, her lips red, probably because of how she’s biting it too much.

I ignored her. I didn’t plan on my making friends. I want the solitude that I enjoy in this serene place.

She can’t just appear and ruin it, right?

“Son Seungwan.”

I gulped, looking up at her in both confusion and curiosity. No one knows my name. Everyone only knows me as a ghost girl living in the library.

“That’s your name, right? Son Seungwan.”

I looked down at my book. It’s been a while since I’ve heard that name.

“What do you want?” I grumbled, flipping the page of the Shakespearian book I’m reading.

There was a beat of silence, and for a moment, I thought she left. _Good riddance._

And yet, she surprised me.

“Be my girlfriend.”

That day, my universe turned upside down.

Bae Joohyun. A third-year high school student. Class 3-A. Beautiful. Popular. Campus beauty. Three days ago, she signed up as extra help in Red Academy’s Library.

Those were the only facts I know about her, coming from the petty gossips I’ve heard from a few students visiting the library. Not that I was eavesdropping.

Apparently, she’s a talk of the town. A daughter of a general who helped win the war against another military country. She’s rich, and beautiful, and known to have a long line of suitors waiting for her hand in marriage if ever she agreed.

It would seem like it’s easy to know about her.

But she carries a shroud of mystery around her.

“Those are sci-fi novels.” I pointed out. “This is the physical science section.”

This girl never really listens.

She still continued putting the books randomly on the shelf, a bright twinkle in her eyes. There’s a dust light shining over her. I didn’t mean to stare, but she looked ethereal, like a good-natured angel of pure innocence and warmth.

“Same difference.” She pushed another book in.

A sigh escaped my lips before stepping in her space, picking out the books she placed wrongly and putting it back to the trolley.

“You’re not helping me,” I told her, as I walked away while pushing the trolley with my hand. “And I told you. I don’t want to be your girlfriend.”

She groaned after hearing that, following me with her small footsteps with the sound of little puppies scurrying over the poodle of mud. I’ve never heard one, but I assumed it’s like that.

“Why do you keep saying no? We technically kissed! We’re basically girlfriends now—AAACK!”

She’s pushing me over the edge, so I did what I know I could. I pushed her against a bookshelf, our faces only inches apart.

“I’m not interested.” I insisted. “I don’t even know what a girlfriend does.”

“Y-yah,” she blushed, “your face is too close.”

I didn’t step away if that keeps her rooted in the ground and stop her from ruining my perfectly, mundane life.

“You were the first one who violated my personal space.” Her face turned redder each second. “And a kiss means nothing. I can kiss you right now if I wanted to.”

“Then kiss me.”

I did. Her lips tasted like strawberries, sweet and soft like the first time. It was a quick smack, but when I pulled away, it filled her eyes with surprise.

“I-I thought you were bluffing!” She exclaimed, cheeks turning a shade of ripe apples while pointing a finger at me. “Y-you—HOW CAN YOU DO THAT—?!”

“We’re in a library. Keep it down.” I silenced her as I went back to my job, returning the used books on the right shelves. “If you wanted to help, remember the category codes. If you don’t want to, then get out of my way.”

“But there are a lot of codes!” She complained. She let out a loud exhale. “Why are you so indifferent? That’s not how you deal with a girlfriend, Son Seungwan-ssi.”

I faced her, now feeling temperamental. “I told you—!“

She placed a kiss on my lips, so quick I thought it was all a daydream.

“You’re quite a taciturn person, are you not?” She smiled sweetly, pushing the trolley away and locking me in the embrace of her arms. She smelled of lavender and a familiar perfume I couldn’t recall. Still, I could’ve pushed her away but didn’t.

I was never hugged before, that I didn’t know it was a hug she has done to me.

“Seriously, please be my girlfriend… until after this rainy season ends,”

I agreed, only because I thought saying no would only make her disturb my long-calculated life.

I had no clue on how to be a girlfriend, nor how to be an excellent one. I’ve read most of the romance novels in the academy’s library, but it didn’t help the problem I’m undergoing. I’ve read Romeo and Juliet and I just found them dumb and useless. I’ve never been acquainted with the term ‘love’ before, and yet all the books suggest how you should make the person you love your ‘girlfriend’.

It made little sense. I don’t love her.

“Since when did you have a rain allergy? I don’t even know that exists.” She asked me one autumn afternoon. The sky outside is dark and cloudy that a shower might come sooner than later. I made sure to have my sling bag with me now, along with the blue umbrella on my left side and the headphones resting in my neck. “It must suck, though. I love the rain. Back in my hometown, it rains every single day. It is known for its downpours all year long.”

“I was six then.” I flipped through the book I’m reading, “Your hometown must be buried in mud and floods by now.”

She shook her head, laughing. “The place is still beautiful! The park in the middle is the best and is known as a famous dating site! I’d take your there if only you didn’t have your allergy but that’s beside the point… How did you develop it…?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“Liar, liar, pants on fire…” She mumbled, slowly grabbing my right wrist and linked our arms together. She gradually placed her head on my shoulder, snuggling in closer I started feeling her warmth in the perfect air-conditioned place. “Hey, Seungwan?”

“Hmm…”

“Have you ever been in love before?” She asked as she started tracing hearts on the back of my right hand. I put aside the book I’m reading.

“No,” I answered shortly.

I noticed her head tilt, and then our orbs locked. Her face was too close, but I didn’t mind.

“Would it be mean of me to wish that I’ll be your first love?”

“Maybe.”

“Please don’t fall in love with me.”

“Ok.”

I’ve read a thousand romances typewritten in brown pages that made up the whole book repository. I learned the jinx of those words. _‘Please don’t fall in love with me.’_

I am never romantic. I was long detached from feeling emotions. And yet, when she told me that, and when I said yes… I know there’s no way out. I’d fall in a rabbit hole eventually, long before she realized what my answer meant.

“Food is not allowed inside the library premises. If you want to eat, go to the cafeteria.” I warned her when she took two lunchboxes from her backpack, showing it off to me as if she created the most marvelous masterpiece in the world.

It’s just some rice, with an egg omelet and some sausages. It’s not that great.

Like the usual, she shrugged my warnings off as she broke her wooden chopsticks into two and picked a huge cut off the omelet.

“Here, say ‘ah~’!”

I stared at her.

She stared back at me.

“What are you doing?” I questioned.

She exhaled, like a dramatic actress, “I’m feeding you, duh? Isn’t that what girlfriends do? Now come here and open your mouth wide, ghost girl!”

“I’m not eating from your chopsticks.” I pointed out.

“My saliva hasn’t even touched the tips yet! Aish, so fussy! I even prepared this all for you!” She gritted her teeth while her free hand dug back to her bag to pull out another pair of chopsticks. “Here, happy? Go eat yourself. You’re making me annoyed.”

She’s sulking… like a baby.

Not wanting to disturb her obvious moping tendencies, I took a bite of the egg roll. Despite the frown on her face, I can see her pupils focusing on me as I chew the food.

She probably couldn’t take the silence so she faced me once again, “how is it? How is it?”

When I swallowed it, I tapped the chopsticks to her forehead.

“Oww! What was that for?”

“It’s good.” I indulged her. “Stop sulking. You’re too old for that.”

“Really?!” Her eyes went wide, colored with delight about my food review if you can call it that.

“Yes. So be quiet and eat your food. If Taeyeon unnie asked, you’re forcing me to eat this here in the library, okay?”

“SIR, YES, SIR!” She saluted.

Dork.

“Hey, why do you spend most of your time here in the library? You don’t even go to your classes to be here.” She asked another afternoon, with curious eyes and pursed lips. “Students call you a ghost because you walk around without making your presence known. Why’s that?”

“You’re nosy,” I mumbled as I started scanning the returned books of the day. She sat on the swivel chair next to me, leaning back and turning around like a little kid excited for a play day.

“I will die soon, anyway! Might as well be as curious as possible and nosy!” She grinned widely, pulling the chair a few centimeters near me while tugging at my sweater’s sleeve. “Why are you always wearing this dark blue sweater? Are you poor? Do you only have one sweater? You can’t afford a uniform?”

I sighed, stacking the returned books on a trolley. “I like it. I’m not. No. I can.”

“But why dark blue?”

I bit my lip. “Because it’s my favorite color.”

“Then why is it your favorite color?”

“It’s the color of clouds before the rain comes.”

“Why would you like a color that reminds you of the rain…?”

“So I won’t forget.” I pushed the trolley in front of her. “Since you have a lot of questions, push the trolley for me. I’ll put the books.”

She pouted and yet followed along. “You didn’t answer my first question though…”

“I like the library. The only time I can deal with rain is when I’m reading them off the pages of a book.”

“For someone allergic to the rain, you sure adore it a lot.” She commented, grabbing my arm on one of the secluded sections and pulling me along to hide between the enormous stacks of books. Not that there will be people who can see us. The library is never packed.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked her with a narrowed gaze.

“Kiss me! Here! Like how they do in the movies! Like how you did the first—well, the second time we kissed!”

Her enthusiasm is astounding. Her eyes are sparkling with excitement and her hands kept tugging my arm repeatedly, like a young, little girl asking for candy in secret. She looked adorable; I felt my fingers curling in a cringe.

However, I did my best to put up a front.

“I won’t do it,” I told her, trying to walk past her to resume my task. “I’m not here to play around, Joohyun.”

She gasped. “You called my name!”

I rolled my eyes. “It’s your name for a reason.”

She gasped again. “You just pulled an attitude towards me!”

“Why are you shocked?” I raised my eyebrow in confusion.

“Well…” her voice trailed off, now tracing the helm of my shirt with a cheeky grin on her lips. “… You’re always devoid of emotion. You sound like a robot all the time, you know?”

“I’m not a robot.”

“I’m almost convinced that you are. Anyway, you just showed emotion right now! Wait, is sarcasm an emotion? I think it is!” She formed another gasp on her lips. “Seungwan, you’re changing!”

“Keep it down.” I flicked her forehead. “We’re in a library!”

“YOU TOUCHED ME!”

“Funny. You’re the one who doesn’t know what personal space means.”

“And you’re annoyed now! WOW! I’m total--!”

I cut her off as I ambushed her lips… with my lips. I’d like to say sometimes I tend to lose control. I apologize for all the readers seeing this.

Still, her reaction is a prized moment.

“Y-you—did you just—omo!” Her cheeks were inflamed, bright red, and almost warm in the cozy ambiance of the library.

When I turned a corner, I finally released the breath I was holding. Yes, I was acting before, as I figure out how she wouldn’t behave in the sanctuary I spend most of my time in. Hopefully, that would keep her on her toes and stop her from pulling crazy stuff again.

Turns out, she’ll get crazier.

I underestimated her.

It was a gloomy afternoon. We just finished our daily shift in the library when this crazy girl pulled me along her to the streets of Seoul, a sky-rocketing excitement on her face. The sky is filled with clouds. It wasn’t dark, but I didn’t feel better. I didn’t plan to go. I didn’t want to go.

But there’s no saying no to this girl.

I give up.

“WUAAAAAH, Seungwan look! That’s the tteokbokki shop I want to try!” She fights through the crowd of people walking past us, eager to have a taste of that dreaded food. I’m not good with spicy food.

“Here! Try this, Seungwan! I’ll even feed you if you want! Say Ahhh~!”

I came clean. “I can’t handle spicy food.”

“Ehhhh? Why? Come on, just a bite and you won’t regret! We can buy a box of milk from the convenience store nearby!”

“I said I don’t want—!”

She cut me off with a kiss. She’s making that her habit now. “What kind of girlfriend are you? We’re on a date now and you’re nothing but a whiny kid as if you don’t enjoy your time with me!”

“I don’t enjoy it.”

“YAH! You’re spending time with me, of course, you should enjoy this!”

I really give up.

I took a bite of that hell-tasting fiery food and it is exactly how I expected it to be. It is tasty though, if only it weren’t that spicy.

“You like it!” She sports a shit-eating grin.

“I don’t.”

“You do!”

“Forget it.”

“Hey, now I want some grilled meat! Let’s go over there!”

“Let’s buy that box of milk first…”

“Say, Seungwan… how come I don’t know a thing about you..?”

She let out that question. We’re finally in a restaurant selling samgyupsal. The smell of grilled meat and light grey smoke filled the air. She’s grilling the meat while I’m busy stuffing all the food she places in my bowl. _If she ever becomes a mother, she’ll surely make her daughter fat._

“What do you mean?” I asked after swallowing a spoonful.

“I’ve asked people around you, but no one knows you! I tried finding out which class you belong to, but then there’s nothing! It was almost like the library is the only place you stay in… Are you even studying?”

I shook my head. “I’m learning everything on my own. My knowledge, it all comes from the books I read in the library.”

“Eh??? B-but—is that why you don’t wear the coat of our school’s uniform?”

I nodded. “I’m an enrolled student at Red Academy… but I don’t belong in any classes. The library… it’s like my prison. My parents own this school.”

Silence falls between us. She started stuffing her mouth with meat, even using the tongs instead of her chopsticks.

After a while, she asked again. “But why…?”

I didn’t know how to answer her. After all, it was a lengthy list of minor reasons that makes me impossible to do so.

I resorted to the easiest answer.

“Because I don’t know how to approach people. It’ll only be a burden for the teachers, for the class… for me.” I took a swig of the cider. “People won’t be interested in boring me.”

Another round of silence ensued. Only the sound of grilling meat, a few chatters from other customers, and the smell of charcoal filled the air.

“But I’m interested in you…”

She took me by surprise. That was actually the first time I heard her feelings… that concerned me.

Joohyun loves bread, although she tried to hide it. However, when the sun touches the line on the horizon whenever we’re on our way home, we’d pass by that bakery near my home that she always drags me in. The smell of the freshly baked afternoon pastry is enticing, she says, and along with the mixture of saltiness from the sea breeze in the South, I wonder if it really was.

I’d let her take me in, only because I took a liking of the mango pie.

It has been a natural occurrence for her, and somewhat a habit every other afternoon. She’d drag me in, pick the usual two-person table near the window, the one with tiny pots of succulents, and look out the city view while we sip our hot chocolates and she'd wolf down the bread she picked for the day.

“I’d stay here for the rest of my life!” She moaned one late afternoon as she sipped on her green tea (she said it was nice to pick a change from time to time) “This makes me happy!”

“I see.” I hummed in acknowledgment.

The usual silence enveloped the two of us at the halt of our conversation. I wasn’t good at conversations. I never even thought I’ll ever need it in my life. I rely on her most of the time, and she does have a nonstop mouth, easing through topics that greatly interest her even if I respond only with a ‘hmm’ or an ‘I see’. She didn’t seem to mind.

That afternoon was different though.

“How did you develop it… your allergy?” She carefully asked her eyes with a hint of apprehension, probably because she thought it was a touchy topic.

It wasn’t. Not exactly.

“When I was a kid, I kind of associated the rain with all my terrible memories, the type of memories that haunts you for the rest of your life,” I answered simply, tasting the bitterness of the dark drink I’m having.

“Would you mind if I ask what memories they were?”

I shook my head. Not that I remember most of it. “I was an illegitimate child… they forbid me to see my real mother because of it, but on my sixth birthday, they gave me the chance to see her, on a rainy day.”

I bit my lower lip, wondering if I should continue.

“My mother was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and I… I had to see her in the last moments by the roadside. It was raining hard then, and I must’ve cried a lot. Next time I opened my eyes, there were a downpour and I… I just almost died.”

“It must’ve been tough.” She commented as I felt her index finger tap invisible traces in the back of my hand. I didn’t even notice her reach out to me before.

“Perhaps.”

Her eyes were telling a different story though, almost as if she was mulling over something. When I raised my eyebrow as a question when our gazes locked, she shook her head to brush it off. I didn’t want to pry, so I let it go and took the last sip of my drink.

“I am sick.” She came to me one day, with her chin trembling and her eyes filled with tears. The light is dim, the sun hidden away because of the heavy, nimbus clouds up in the atmosphere. It would rain, but I stood my ground. Something inside my brain tells me to be strong, that it’s not the time to be weak, not the time to break down…

I couldn’t speak, nor had any knowledge of what to say. I comforted no other people before.

So I told the truth.

“I know,” I told her.

It was like all the blood was drained out of her face. “How did you know?”

I shrugged, “You told me the first day. A couple times after that…”

“I-I…” She couldn’t finish her sentence. “I thought you didn’t believe me.”

"I read your diary. We were in the hospital then.”

Her sobs got louder. I stood there awkwardly before her.

I never wrapped someone in my embrace before. I never grew up with love and affection, since my family isn’t like that.

_But she was crying, and it’s the least of what I can do._

So I took a step forward, held her hand as I gently pulled her closer to me. She buried her face in my neck as my other arm wrapped around her. It was closer than I intended, but it felt warm.

“Are you really going to die?” I whispered to her ear.

She nods, “I will. Eventually.”

I didn’t know how long we stayed like that, but I didn’t mind. Although I took a mental note of washing my dark blue sweater once I reach home that day.

“If you’re dying, why do you prefer to keep me around and do all this simple stuff? Shouldn’t you be out and do all the things you want to do…? Probably ride the best rollercoaster in the country? Or scuba diving or something?” I asked the next afternoon. We are done with our tasks so we sneaked out to the ocean a kilometer away. She suggested it, and she won’t take no for an answer. I didn’t mind it much though, for I like the ocean and the sea breeze. The sun is setting beyond the seascape, this time its dark orange hue shines in full bloom, darting straight lines across the clear, cloudless sky.

She waddled by the seashore, tracing a long line of her footsteps. “Because you’re here.”

“Why am I your reason?”

She pursed her lips and glanced at me. “I can freely spend time with you, that’s why?”

“Why me?”

She was quiet for a moment. “Because you’re the only one who knows I’m sick. Except for my parents.”

“Why won’t you tell your friends, then?”

Joohyun shrugged. “You’re the only one who treats me like I’m not a dead person. I… I can only enjoy a life of normalcy whenever you’re around. By the way, you’ll give me your phone number, right?!”

She flashed the usual warm grin to me, and then I felt something stirring inside me.

It was another autumn downpour. I had my headphones on, with my hands clutching it so I wouldn’t hear even a hint of the pouring raindrops. I closed my eyes, trying to block the thoughts of the ongoing downpour, or else I’ll start feeling feverish all over and succumb to death.

Then I felt a warm hand holding my wrist.

I wasn’t supposed to open my eyes, but I did, and as expected, there she was.

Joohyun stood there, with her free hand resting on her knees and the other holding mine. A smile was on her pink lips, small and shy and yet full of affection.

I supposed it was full of affection. I saw nothing like it before.

“Don’t worry,” She said. Well, I thought she did. I couldn’t hear her.

She could’ve said ‘You’re ugly’ or something. She asked for my permission to take my headphones off and perhaps I trusted her a bit more than I planned that I said yes.

I felt her soft fingers tracing the spot near my ears as she took it off. The swirling sound of the downpour outside resonated in my mind.

I was scared. Not when she placed a soft kiss on my forehead and rested her head on my shoulder. It was almost natural… that I felt fear bubbling in the pit of my stomach.

It was a different kind of scare. The type of scare when you’re about to lose something you never had.

But I drowned it down with the soft hum of melody coming from her. It was a song I was familiar with, which draw a surprise from me. She knows the song I’m always listening to, and in each note that escapes her ardent lips, I felt a tug of heartstrings fighting within me.

No, I wasn’t falling in love. Instead, it felt like a bouquet of jasmines started growing inside me at a slow-paced rate.

I promised I wouldn’t fall in love with her.

I’m not _falling_ in love with her.

It was a rare sight, Joohyun sitting down on my usual hangout spot with a thick hardbound on her hands, a pair of specs on and pursed lips as if she was solving a crime scene. The stack of leather-covered books was forming a circle around her, which is almost like a mountain that hides her if it weren’t for her head sticking out. Easing through, I took the casual seat in the space beside her. She seemed so into her reading; she didn’t even bat me an eye.

It was a bit… unsettling.

I tugged her sleeves once. She didn’t even acknowledge my presence. Another tug, and another. On my fifth try, she shot me a small glare.

“What are you doing?” She asked, in a demanding voice, as if I was disturbing her.

I shrugged. “What are you reading?”

“Nothing.”

“It doesn’t look like nothing.”

She fixed her specs and showed me the page she’s in. It was almost blurry to my sight, with black and white drawings and barely readable font. Is this someone’s handwriting? It looks bad.

“Students call you the Blue Knight Whose Afraid of Rain. It sounds like a cheesy title.” She huffed, burying her nose back to her book. “I’m investigating.”

An ‘ah’ left my lips. _So that’s why…_

“It’s just a legend. People in this town are quite crazed about superstitions and horror stories. And I think you’re looking at the wrong book.” I stood up and grabbed my sling bag. Pulling out a familiar blue book, I throw it at her hands that she clumsily caught. “Page 189.”

Her fingers were dash, skimming through the pages until she found the right one. A gasp came to her lips. “This is gross! Seungwan!” She referred to the light photo of a carcass lying in a jungle’s terrain. I shook my head in disbelief. She’s focusing on the wrong part.

“You said you were investigating.” I pointed at the paragraph at the bottom page. “The legend starts there.”

“The Knight that Walks Through the Rain in Midnight Blue… Hmmm, this is interesting… huh? What? But why? S-she?! Seungwan, this story is sad!”

I stared at her throughout her reading, her nose turned red and her orbs turned misty. She tried to sneakily wipe her tears, but I was a second ahead. I offered her a tissue that she unwillingly accepted.

“Is this why students don’t make friends with you?” She asked when the story is done. “Because the students think you’re some kind of reincarnation of the Blue Knight with the rare disease? But don’t they feel sad about the story? The Blue Knight has to hide beneath the shadows of books, away from people because he’s afraid of frightening them. He can only come out when midnight comes when there are no people around and no pouring rain that keeps him in. He died with only a single person knowing his existence… and he died for that person! Ah, they should’ve picked a different story to name you. Oh, I think I like this one. The Princess that Came in Spring! This looks like a happy story! Based on the picture, she brought a happy ending to a couple!”

My shoulders slouched, gazing at the book in her hands.

“There’s no need. I never yearned for companionship and I already decided that I won’t live past twenty. So you need not be sad about it.”

She shook her head. “How can you decide that? No one knows when death comes knocking in their doors.”

“I don’t have a reason to live… I don’t even know the meaning of life.”

“Then I’ll give you a reason. And the meaning of life, we can find it out together?” She held my hand. “I genuinely wish for the knight to live on with the love of the girl in his heart despite them being apart because of death. I wish your ending wouldn’t be as sad, Seungwan.”

I’m not good with moving trains. My motion sickness might be another reason for my death.

Joohyun likes it though. Her eyes possess a sparkling glint, with such warmth as the golden sun. She kept looking out the window, one hand on her summer hat while the other holding unto glass as she took in the wonderful scenery around her. We’re passing by trees and green fields, occasional tunnels, and a sight of the clear, azure sky. I didn’t know what she was planning to do, nor did I have the strength to stop her from pushing me to go on this impromptu trip.

No, this isn’t a trip.

“This is a kidnapping case.” My monotonous voice informed her. “I should call the police.”

Her hasty hands gripped mine before I could grab my handphone. With a big pout and doe eyes acting adorable under the sunlight, I paused and wait for her argument.

“Let’s have fun! Chuncheon! Chuncheon! Dalkgalbi! Dalkgalbi!”

I massaged my temples, trying to alleviate the growing headache I’m feeling. “You kidnapped me on a Friday morning just to eat stir-fried chicken? On a different town?”

“Yes!” She cheered, as she grabbed my wrist to link our arms together. I didn’t have the energy to pull away, so I let her be. I can feel her bosoms touching my arm though.

“Can’t you pull a little bit away?” I asked her. “I can feel it against my skin.”

She gave me a quizzical look. I didn’t answer and let her piece the information bit by bit. Ten soundless seconds passed until her face grew a crimson tint, like a thermometer heating reaching a hundred degrees.

She let go of me instantly, crossing her arms across her chest as if I violated her.

“YAH, YOU PER--!!!”

“You’re the one who violated my personal space. I think it isn’t my fault.” I countered, taking a slice of sushi into my mouth.

Her shoulders slumped like I just made her feel down. With a dramatic sigh, she nudged my shoulders with hers. “You know, other guys feel excited even at the thought of going on a date with me. We’re going on a trip! With just us two! Can’t you look more enthusiastic?”

“It’s a trip you forced me to go. When I get home tonight, my parents will probably reprimand me for sneaking out of the school so I can’t feel an inch of enthusiasm from it.”

“Eyyy, come on! They will probably feel relieved knowing you’re out with a friend!”

She had a teasing smirk, something that I didn’t bother entertaining.

“Probably.” I resigned. “How long until we arrive at the destination?”

“Another thirty minutes?” She thoughtfully tapped her chin. “By the way, you did bring a change of clothes, right?”

“Why would I bring a change of clothes?”

We stared at each other for a few seconds.

“This is an overnight trip?” I asked.

She nodded her head.

_Damn it._

The sky is bleak when the afternoon came. We just had our tummies filled with her anticipated food and now we’re settled inside a single hotel room, a queen-sized bed, and a small living area with a TV in the side. She was busy surfing through channels as I took a sip of my Chamomile, glaring at the glass windows that are giving me the unpleasant panorama.

“We should close the curtains, Seungwan,” Joohyun told me when she settled on an animal documentary. “And help me make a fort?”

“Why would we need a fort? Are you nine?”

She had that gummy smile back on her lips, “no… But I never played inside a fort when I was a kid. Let’s say it’s a silly request from your lovely girlfriend?”

She drew the curtains close and jumped on my back. “Come on, now! Let’s go, let’s go!”

It took half an hour for us to finish, and I’d say we weren’t cut out for it. On our last attempt, thankfully, it didn’t crumble down within seconds like what I was expecting. Joohyun brought some string lights and clipped it around as if we’re tiny kids playing camp.

“Welcome to Irene’s camping house!” She grinned widely as she pushed me inside the makeshift tent of blankets and pillows, snuggling close in my embrace. I didn’t embrace her, she forced me to.

“Irene?” I asked.

She nodded her head. “It’s a name I picked for myself! Since you have an English name too, I figure we should match and Irene is perfect! Wendy and Irene, Wenrene!”

“How did you know my English name?” I pressed on, “it’s scary how you get my name coming from something else…”

“Taeyeon unnie told me.” She cackled, pulling me closer to her as she settled her gaze on the TV.

A deep stillness in our surroundings ensued long after. The noise of the TV is the only thing to be heard, some random guy reporting about climate change or something. It was for a moment I thought she was already deep asleep beside me and I was slowly being lulled to slumber by her deep breathing.

Just when I was about to let go of the last bit of my consciousness, her voice resonated around me.

“Hey, Seungwan… should we play a game?” She asked, a little unsure and a little more apprehensive. “Truth or Dare? Three rounds.”

“Why so sudden?” I asked, my voice groggy. I was, after all, about to succumb to sleep. “And how are we going to do that?”

“Rocks, paper, scissors! On a count of three! One. Two. Three!”

I put out a fist while she put out her palm.

“Yosh! I win! Seungwan, truth, or dare?!”

She’s too giddy.

“Truth,” I answered lamely, disinterested, quite a contrast to the excitement she’s showing.

“Okay, then! Tell me, what is the sexiest part about me?!”

_Crazy. This girl is crazy._

“Your mouth,” I answered. “When you keep it shut.”

“Eyyy… are you sure it isn’t because of my luscious lips and sweet kisses?” She even shoots a flying kiss on my way that I turned my head to avoid her gaze.

“Please stay away from me.”

“Fine. Another round again, I guess. One, two, three—HOW DID YOU WIN?!”

I faced her, “Truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

“Pick the truth. There’s nothing that I want you to do.”

“Ey, it's fine! We can make out now if you want! My lips are ready. Or if you want something more…” I ignored her sexual innuendo and asked again.

“Truth or truth?”

“No fun. Truth.”

I bit my lips. There’s only one thing that I want to know… for now.

“What do you plan to do? For the remainder of your days?”

I don’t know if it was polite to ask. I didn’t know if asking her that would make her stay away from me. I didn’t want her to stay away… she already wrecked the entire world I believe in.

The patter of rain outside the hotel room is being heard. A look of emergency formed in Joohyun’s face as she scanned around the little fort as if she was looking for something.

“Your headphones, where is it? And your umbrella? Are you feeling okay?” She stood up and was about to leave the shelter of blankets, “Your medicine? Where is it? Wait, I’ll go get it!”

I held her wrist, my entire attention solely focused on her. No, I didn’t hear the gush of pouring rain. How can I when her voice is all I can listen to?

“You didn’t answer my question,” I told her, slowly letting go of her wrist as she stood motionless with her back facing me. “What do you plan to do for the rest of your time, Joohyun?”

“I don’t know… I have a short list but it was all mundane stuff. I guess I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing until Mr. Thanatos knocks on my doors?” She breathed out, turning to face me. “We have one last round. One, two, three?”

She won.

“Truth or dare?” She asked, “Just so you know… if you pick truth, I’ll ask you what you want to do with me…for the rest of my days… and if you pick dare, well, I’m asking you to let me hold you right now.”

“Hold… me?”

Joohyun nodded her head. “In my arms, close to me, as if I won’t let go… We both know we have no feelings for each other, and you won’t fall in love with me ever. B-but just for tonight. Just for tonight…”

Her chin was trembling, she couldn’t even look me in the eye. I didn’t even know what she’s thinking. For the record, she was nothing but a mystery for me. I can see people, and their eyes reflect everything their heart holds dear.

But Bae Joohyun… her eyes were always bright, cheerful that it’s easy for her to hide the real feelings in the facade of her smiles.

I couldn’t figure her out.

“Forget it. You’re probably thinking I’m asking for too much., I just came into your life like a huge torrent that destroys everything on its path. I-I’m sorry… if I let you wind up with someone like me… if…”

I didn’t let her continue. I dared to take a step forward and crouch down, carrying her in my arms like a bride. It surprised her for a moment; her eyes filled with crystal tears and disbelief. She felt cold to touch, but I clenched my teeth and held her as I went back to sitting on the fort, with her now resting on my lap.

I gently placed her head on my shoulder, pulling her close enough so I can get a whiff of her perfume. It was the usual lavender that is slowly intoxicating me.

“You don’t have to worry about those things. I’ve never seen you as a nuisance, probably a little trouble, but I never wished for things to be different.”

There was another surprise in her eyes.

A smile formed on my lips as I stared at her as if she was all that mattered.

Because she is.

“Thank you, Joohyun, for wreaking havoc in my dull, grey-scale life. You filled it with colors of you.”

After that trip was a long weekend. I didn’t do much, those three days. I stayed cooped up in my room, reread the books resting on my shelves, played a song with my LP player, and drowned myself with melodies and words from different timelines.

It wasn’t a fruitful break, and when I heard the beep from my phone, I realized why.

_I was waiting for her to message me…_

It would’ve been an ordinary situation, but then I never waited for anyone in my life before. I never had friends, especially a special one that I keep near me all the time.

Then it occurred to me. _I am waiting for her…_

「Hey, Seungwan! Let’s hang out tomorrow with my friends! They want to meet you! 」

Upon reading her text, a bubble of fear started floating at the pit of my stomach. It was small, but I figured that as days pass by, it’ll grow. It definitely will.

After all, it has been a month since I knew her.

She has decent friends, the type that doesn’t judge even at third sight. It scares me how comfortable I feel around them. Her friends decided to have a picnic on such a great day so they pulled me in at the park. We laid the usual picnic blanket under the enormous oak tree in the middle of the place. The weather is calming that morning, not strikingly hot nor ridiculously cold that I felt comfortable enough to take my sweater off and tie it around my shoulders. Joohyun gasped at the sight of me in a sleeveless shirt, but I didn’t mind it. She must’ve been daydreaming again.

“Seungwan, y-your biceps looks delicious!” Joohyun exclaimed as she sat in front of me, her left hand covering her gigantic mouth and her eyes wide and ogling. I sensed a bit of embarrassment but swallowed it in. I won’t give her that privilege…

“Why? Did you finally realize your cannibalistic tendencies? I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be eaten out.” I, therefore, retorted, flashing her a steely look. Her friends laughed at my comeback, making her puff air in her mouth, red from a fit of childish anger. Soon, she was busy running around with her two youngest friends. She looks like a girl coming from a beauty cf then, pretty and vibrant, something that will send your heart beating a little quicker at the sight.

“So, Seungwan… are you and Joohyun unnie, dating?” Kang Seulgi asked Joohyun’s friend with blonde hair that is sitting next to me asked while her other friends were out in the fields. She’s busy munching on her Pringles to actually look at me.

“Yeah.” I agreed, albeit unwillingly. “She forced me to.”

A giggle escaped her lips. “Yeah, that’s totally like Bae Joohyun unnie all right. You seem like a nice girl though, so I approve!”

She showed me a thumbs up, her eyes disappearing into crescents, like a bright beam of the moon which is both pure and innocent.

“Shouldn’t you be wary of me?” I intrigued. “Technically, you don’t know me until now… and I’m sure you’ve heard rumors about me at school.”

Seulgi shook her head like a little child, sipping on her strawberry milk drink happily. “Joohyun unnie has an expert judge of character. If she says she likes you, then she does! Sooyoung and Yerim like you too, because you’re an outstanding cook. I like the cookies you brought today!”

Seeing the crumbs on the corner of her lips, I dug in my pocket to offer my hanky. “Wipe your lips. Are you like a toddler or something?”

There was a small yelp coming from Seulgi, her eyes brimming small tears in its corners as she looked up at me with high regard. She even looked like she’s ready to jump at me for a hug any second then.

“W-why are you looking like that?” I thought I did something wrong at first, but then she shook her head and sobbed, taking the hanky from my fingers as she bowed as a sign of gratitude. “Thank you, Seungwan-ah! You’re my best friend now!”

Without warning, she literally jumped in my frail body, hugging me tightly in her bear arms. Seeing that play out, Joohyun, Park Sooyoung, and Kim Yerim walked over to our picnic blanket with wide grins.

“Seems like Seulgi unnie, likes you.” Sooyoung cocked a grin, “fine, I approve of this too.”

Yerim nodded her head in agreement. “Anyone who bakes those heavenly cookies and makes Seulgi unnie act like a kid is a wonderful person! Give me a hug too, Seungwan unnie!”

They came for a group hug as I searched Joohyun’s eyes for answers.

 _What did I do?_ I mouthed at her, earning a laugh.

 _You’re just being you._ She mouthed back. I didn’t know what she meant with that.

Joohyun has always been lively, a bright morning sun right through the torrential rain. I’ve held on to that smile, and slowly my fear withers away. I don’t flinch even at the sound of a strong storm, nor do I hide in fear when I’m in front of falling raindrops by the windows. Once, I even had the touch of a droplet in my palm. It was cool and refreshing, and a smile couldn’t help but form on my lips. Although I had a small aftermath of rashes, but my daily ointment does the trick.

One day, I realized the truth that I’ve changed. No, perhaps not exactly… but she made me realize a lot of things that matter in life, she made me realize the truth in me I never knew before… _she’s the smart one, she probably knows how I could’ve yearned for companionship within, I just wasn’t aware of it._

Joohyun has become a cure I never thought I needed, that I wanted.

Then, I was reminded of her sickness one day.

The hospital door is dull, almost too ordinary it made me feel sick. Nurses and doctors were walking to and fro in the hallway, but I stayed rooted in my spot. It seemed like I lost all my locomotor skills as even a single push of a door felt unbearable.

I was starting to be scared of a different fear… _the sight that I’ll see beyond these white doors._

“One. Two. Three.” I took a deep exhale and opened the doors, only to be greeted by the sight of Joohyun dancing lightly in the space next to her bed, looking out of the window with the beautiful orange-dyed city presenting beyond.

“I didn’t know you were a brilliant dancer,” I told her, relief washing all over me. “You look great in your clothes too.”

She yelped at my sudden presence, with her jumping to her toes, pointing at me as if I was a ghost.

“Y-you—YAH! I told you to call if you get here! I was planning to change my clothes and look pretty b-but…” Her voice trailed off as her cheeks flushed bright red.

“You look pretty even in your undies.” I deadpanned, taking a casual seat on the chair next to her bed. I tapped into the gray blanket. “Come and take a seat. You shouldn’t stress yourself too much.”

She followed suit, settling on the light covers with a forlorn face. “It’s boring here! Take me out, Seungwan! The autumn festival is near and I’m stuck here! Sooyoung has been flooding me with messages! That girl really, making me jealous.”

“Did you tell them about your condition already?” I casually asked while peeling an apple for her. “Sooyoung especially will kill me the instant she knows. Please spare me my life.”

“Hohoho, is this Seungwan finally giving life a chance?” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. “I told you the great Bae Joohyun will make you one day love to live.”

“Don’t think too highly of yourself. I just didn’t want to die in the hands of that scary girl.”

She laughed, “I’ve heard how she made you sit in her and Seulgi’s class. How was it?”

Sooyoung did. I was busy keeping to myself in my hideout when that tall, brown-haired girl barged in, swoop me in her arms, and carried me all the way to Red Academy’s main building, specifically inside her classroom. Her professor was even shocked at the sight of me and the other students looked at me as if I am a vintage artifact at a museum. It wasn’t an unpleasant experience though. Thankfully, I did well on their pop quizzes. Sooyoung was quite adamant about making me stay in their class after that.

“It’s okay…” I trailed off, “it’s not that bad.”

“You like it.” She pointed a finger at me.

I pushed a slice of apple in her mouth to shut her up. “You didn’t answer my earlier question.”

Her expression quickly turned into a sad, kicked puppy’s. She nodded her head, looking down with her shoulders slumped. “I told them this morning. Sooyoung was silent throughout, Yerim kept asking me if I was being a conniving liar with you and Seulgi was crying her eyes out. She hugged me during her three-hour stay, you don’t even know how sore my shoulder muscles felt.”

I placed the plate of sliced apples beside her as I stood and patted her head. “It’s okay, Sooyoung will come around. They will be here with you until the end… those girls love you a lot, you know?”

“How about you?” She looked up at me with hoping eyes that it puzzled me for a moment.

“What about me?”

She didn’t answer. No, she shook her head and brushed it off with nothing. However, I can see the disappointment in her orbs she tried to hide. _I’m finally seeing a glimpse of her emotions now… the truth she’s trying hard to hide…_

Then it struck me what she means.

“I’ll stay here if that’s what you’re asking about.” She turned her head in surprise, her orbs now filled with growing tears. “I didn’t know what you did with me but you’ve changed me for what I believe is better. And for that, I’m grateful.”

Putting up a smile, I added. “Thank you, Joohyun.”

So far, I held no judgments or feelings about the embraces I’ve shared with Joohyun. At first, I felt nothing, but as time passed by, she made me feel a little fire inside me. Now, that fire turned into a huge, well-built fireplace, its warmth traveling through my veins even at the slight touch of our skin.

Then I figured it out. I like Joohyun’s hugs that are giving me warmth through the harsh rains. That fact helped me arrive at another conclusion.

_I’ve long been in love with her._

“You know how to play the guitar?” Joohyun exclaimed once, her face painted in complete awe as I strummed random chords on the string instrument in my hands. “Wow, just what do my girlfriend can’t do?”

We were on the top floor of the tower then, where no students really go to because it’s a fair climb of stairs. She was doing her homework in a corner while I brought my blue guitar as a pastime. In all honesty, I brought it so I can sing her a song that I wrote for fun. She has no idea of my passion for music then, well it was a secret I’ve hidden deep within my heart. However, she was the first person who made me feel like she’ll understand….

I felt brave showing her a bit of something about me.

“I just know this and that.” I vaguely answered, feigning ignorance of a tinge of excitement within me. “How about you? Do you know how to play any musical instruments?”

She shook her head. “Well, I know how to read a music sheet at least.”

“Everyone in high school knows how to read a music sheet.” I matter-of-factly said.

“Not all!” She frowned at me. “Not everyone listens in music class, Seungwan. Sooyoung don’t! Yerim certainly don’t!”

“But you’re in class. Aren’t you supposed to be listening?”

She shook her head. “I sleep in all my classes!”

“That’s why you’re failing.”

“Hey, that’s uncalled for!”

I laughed. Joohyun’s face is entertaining whenever she’s being teased, which makes teasing her even better.

“Y-yah, if you laugh like that, you’re melting my heart?”

A wicked smile eased through my lips. “Really?”

“Stop teasing me.”

I raised my hands up in surrender. “Fine, just stop reading through your homework for a while and accompany me here. It sucks to play the guitar with no one singing.”

“Then sing for yourself! I have to turn this in tomorrow morning”

“Eh, come over now, Joohyun!” I put out the guns, well more precisely, my adorable pout I’ve never shown in the past nineteen years of my existence. “I’ll help you in your homework later, just come over here, for now? Hmmm?”

She quickly slammed her books shut as she skipped to my table, like a little puppy being called by his girl best friend. When she sat next to me with perusing eyes, I delightedly looked for something in my sling bag.

“Those are music sheets.” She stated as if she still didn’t have a clue. “What?”

I pushed the music sheets in her arms and beamed. “Sing with me.”

“Yeah right.” She rolled her eyes and studied the papers I wrote… for her. She does not know that.

“This… _you wrote this?”_

I nodded my head in enthusiasm, like a little girl waiting to be praised. “How is it? How is it?”

A brief chuckle escaped her lips, then I felt her hand reached forward to pat my head. “Shouldn’t I get to listen to it first?”

“Oh, okay!”

When we sang the song together, along with the gentle strums of the guitar, I realized I have nowhere to run to. That no matter what happened two months ago, one way or another, I would be in this entangled mess that is her.

And I should be scared, _and I am…_

But every fear I kept, every scare I try fighting is worth it every time I see the flash of a smile on her lips. I do believe my eyes are oozing with love at the sight of her, but I didn’t know if it reached her heart. I didn’t have a clue if the notes I picked, the melody I played with, the lyrics I wrote… I’m not sure if those three ever reached her heart.

On one hand, I hoped it did. On the other, I hope she wouldn’t have a clue about the growing flowers of jasmine blooming inside me.

Joohyun’s body has deteriorated a lot since that day. Her body has been weak and her difficulty in breathing has become obvious. At some point, my heart ached at the sight, and the fear that is bubbling within me is growing and growing each day. Two months ago, I couldn’t fathom a different fear other than the gush of water pouring from the heavy, dark blue clouds. However, everything changes for a reason.

If I ask the ‘me’ two months prior, I wonder if she would have been proud of the change.

Maybe not. It was never in my plans to make friends, to make connections with different people. Heck, falling in love isn’t even in my vocabulary and it felt like a far stretch.

Yet, here we are now.

“You’re not supposed to watch movies like this, right?” I asked her that usual afternoon while we settled on our usual place, the tower of books hiding us in the secluded section as we shared the earphones on while watching a movie on her laptop. It was an anime about a girl who has a pancreatic disease. Stories like it have been Joohyun’s likes lately, when that week we kept binge-watching episodes of Your Lie in April, movies such as A Walk to Remember. It felt like a long time of torture, and yet I held it in.

She looked pretty even when she cried. I’ve grown accustomed to bringing extra hankies in my pocket whenever her snot is about to fall.

Halfway through the movie, she asked me. “Do you believe the girl? That what we are now results from our choices in life?”

“Like how they cross paths because of their choices that lead them in that situation?” I clarified, munching on a can of Pringles that Seulgi gifted me the other day.

She nodded, her eyes hinting on how she’s anxiously waiting for my answer.

I shrugged, “I’d like to believe it is your grand scheme of things.”

“Yah!” She playfully punched my elbows, earning a giggle from me. “You’re freely giggling now. You truly changed. Girls from Sooyoung’s class have crushes on you now… and here I thought I’d have all of you for myself.”

“Pft.” I snorted. “Says the girl who keeps pulling me away from Seulgi every chance she gets.”

“She’s hogging you too much!”

“You want me to make friends with them!”

She poked my nose. “You’re mine, Son Seungwan. Don’t even dare look at other girls but me.”

“So possessive and yet you told me not to fall in love with you. Sadist.” I rolled my eyes and just focused on the movie. Sneakily though, I reached out for her left palm, intertwining our fingers as I kept playing with it.

“You’re holding my hand.” She stated, not sparing me a glance.

“Hmm… splendid job, Einstein.” I acknowledge. I raised our joined hands with a grin. “I’m holding your hand.”

She shook her head lightly, but her lips betrayed her as a slight smile formed. An urge to kiss the back of her hand came to me and I did. She blushed at the action.

“Y-yah, spending time with the kids totally made you a pervert!”

“I’m distracting you from watching the movie. We both know you’ll cry any minute now. Our maid at home starts asking me about the growing pile of hankies delivered in our laundry room every day.”

“You shouldn’t bring hankies and settle with tissues then!”

“You’ll waste trees if we use tissues every time. You’ll be using five rolls a day!”

“HEY!”

My lips tilted its corners as I gazed at her with the love I’ve kept hidden at the doors of my heart. I couldn’t let it out yet, so instead, I relayed it to my actions and my touches. I didn’t know if she could figure that out; she was always been quite an airhead. I chuckle at that thought.

“Hey, what are you laughing at?”

I kissed her, slow and warm, as I tried to embed each second in my brain. I didn’t want to forget that moment. She kissed back with equal fervor and when we pulled away; she had the same smile on her lips.

“There’s sweat in your forehead.” She commented, giggling lightly as she broke the atmosphere. I couldn’t help but laugh along as she took her fingers up to wipe the beads of sweat away. Other days, I would tell her how disgusting that is, but I held myself in.

Her eyes are filled with gentleness and something I couldn’t put a finger on. I was afraid of what that might bring.

That evening, we kept exchanging messages. It was all random, something casual and filled with funny and eccentric stories coming from her, and I tried to remember each character in my brain. I was enjoying it, more than I originally planned.

She’d tell me about a new song she heard on the radio, while I recommend her a song similar to that one. When the clock reads 1:02AM, our conversations started going serious.

「Joohyun: Seungwan, are you afraid of dying suddenly someday? Received 1:02AM」

「No, not really. I always believed I’d die when I reach 20. Sent 1:03AM」

「Joohyun: Hey, cut that out! I told you, you’re not dying when you reach 20. I’ll make sure of that! Received 1:05AM」

「You’re not trying to make me laugh, right? Sent 1:06AM」

「Joohyun: You never take me seriously. Received 1:07AM」

「I do. I take every word you say to heart. Sent 1:08AM」

「Joohyun: Then, can I ask you something…? Received 1:10AM」

「Ok. Sent 1:11AM」

「Joohyun: When I die, will you be sad? Received 1:15AM 」

「Why d'you ask? Sent 1:17AM」

「Joohyun: I didn’t want you to be sad because of me. Maybe I will also become a haunting memory from your past and I don’t want that, not when you can finally look up at the raindrops on your ceiling now. Received 1:21AM」

Upon reading that, I sprawled out on my bed and stared at my lonely ceilings now lined up with glow-in-the-dark star stickers that Joohyun insisted me to put. She told me before that it’ll make her pretend that we’re seeing the same sky at night.

I pressed my reply.

「My memories with you were always shining bright, that not even the darkness of death could turn it into something that haunts me, Joohyun. Sent 1:28AM」

And that was true.

She replied ten minutes later when I was on the edge of falling into slumber.

「Joohyun: I’m scared of dying, Seungwan. Received 1:38AM」

The next afternoon we spent together, it was plain and ordinary, like any other. We did our shift at the academy’s library, went out a bit to eat her favorite spicy rice cakes, and when we passed by the usual bakery, she dragged me in for dessert.

It was the usual until it wasn’t.

Our hands were clasped together, warm and close. She’s putting ghost traces on the back of my thumb, giggling lightly when I give her the stinky eye because it’s giving tickles. When our favorite RnB song played on the radio, a question escaped her lips.

“Seungwan, how do you think you’ll be like when you fall in love with someone?”

Her voice sure took me back for a moment. The autumn breeze is coming in from the open windows, as the scent of ocean and salt was brought with it.

“I’d probably bring them to the ocean. The night sea is calming when the sun is about to set.” I mumbled thoughtlessly. When I finished my empty trail of thoughts, a chuckle escape my lips. “I’ll probably ask them on a quick trip by the train to Chuncheon! The Dalkgalbi is surprisingly great.”

“Hey, are you going to bring them out where we’ve gone, no way!” She pulled her hand back and placed it on her waist, her eyes glaring at me.

Instead of indulging her threats, I continued to list down. “I’ll play them a song with my guitar, probably watch some silly movies I illegally downloaded from the site you told me from.”

“Hey!”

“I’ll take them to a picnic under that huge oak tree in the middle of the park… and well, I’ll probably bring them here, sit in this exact table with them sitting opposite me as we gazed at the scenery of small houses and the ocean a mile away.”

Then I look at her.

“And when they need me somewhere, even in a land where the rain continues pouring forever, I won’t hesitate to go there, Joohyun. I’d drench myself in the rain if it means I get to be with them.”

Our eyes were locked, and not once did it falter that minute. It was like a silent promise, a little agreement between the two of us. When it finished, she took a casual glance back at the window and sighed.

“Whoever that person is… she’ll be lucky. Imagine being worth it so much that you’d run under the storms for her.”

“Yeah, she’s lucky…” I agreed, basking in the full view of the setting sun from the horizon.

I didn’t want to admit it, but having Joohyun around is newfound happiness in my life. No, wait, I couldn’t even remember when I was definitely happy.

And yet, that happiness I found with her every rainy day ceased.

She’s been in the hospital for two weeks now.

The afternoons I spent in the academy are dull and lifeless. Every time I try to put back the returned books to the shelves, I find myself lost. I missed her voice and her words and her random, immature antics that never failed to make me smile in my mind. When my shift ends, I’d run through the sidewalks, take the earliest bus, and drop by the hospital to catch a glimpse at her.

Then the news broke out. She has to move away.

“Is the hospital in Daegu a thousand times better than our town hospital?” I asked her that evening.

I was still in my usual uniform while she’s wearing a thin, silk dress. This girl, even with a frail body, asked me to sneak out of the medical place for a bit to get fresh air. I couldn’t say no to her, like the usual. How could I, after all? Her eyes are begging me for something I can’t deny her, and when she held my hand, I was ready to run away with her, somewhere far, somewhere she won’t leave me.

And so we settled there, on a bench at the playground by the river. The wind is harsh, cold, and chilly. I turned the radio from my flip phone on, so we can listen to a piece of random music while we’re being swallowed by the reality her news brought in.

Joohyun still looked breathtaking, ethereal, something like an angel.

But she’s gotten a lot unhealthy, her skin now washed-out white than I last remembered. She shivered when a gush of wind passed by and I hurriedly took off my dark blue sweater to wrap it around her body.

“The doctors there are amazing.” Joohyun told me, “they are smart, nice… and father said they can make me live. Yes, there was still that 50% chance that I won’t. 70% actually, although I want to be more positive.”

Her lips were no longer as pink as I remember.

“Do I get to visit you there?” I further inquired.

She shook her head. “I told you, it rains every time on the town, day and night. Just because you can experience a little drizzle now doesn’t mean you should risk it, Seungwan.”

“Then will you always message me? Call? Send me letters or something? Until you get your surgery and come back?”

She must have been sick of my questions, that her palms forced a fist, her eyes looking at me with daggers. If that was me from before, I wouldn’t even feel any care. But then the sight of her that is mad at me, it caused something to sink in my feelings.

My fears grew tenfold.

“Seungwan, let’s end this.”

“End what?”

“Let’s break up.”

“You don’t just get to say those words.” I replied, “You can’t do that to me, Joohyun.”

“We’re technically not together, you know. I forced you in this relationship that lasts. We’re at the finish line now.”

I looked up at her, all desperation I kept in out in the open as I reached out for her hand. “Joohyun, please…”

“Y-You…”

Her gaze is studying me, unfeeling and empty. Then she concluded. “You’re in love with me.”

I couldn’t refuse her statement. It was the truth, and I couldn’t lie about it. I am in love with her.

“I told you to not fall in love with me!” Her voice is laced by the feeling of betrayal, as if I hid her a fact that she didn’t want to admit, to accept… to believe.

I can’t lie to her… especially not about my genuine feelings, “I didn’t. My love for you grew. It didn’t feel like falling, Joohyun.”

And that was the truth. I’ve read all those books in the library, flipped through the many pages of prose and poems about love, and how it felt like being hanged off the edge of a cliff and in one, a small flick of a finger, you will just find yourself in weightlessness until you fall in that rabbit hole. I didn’t feel the same way. Instead, it felt like a small plant budding in a wide, rich field. As each day passes, and as each downpour comes by, with the bright sun shining right after, it grew healthily. It rose and rose until it became an enormous tree with its branches spiraling out to reach the sun.

And Joohyun is my sun.

“This is not supposed to happen, Seungwan!”

“I know.” Her words caused heartache in me.

“I’ll leave you at the end of this.”

_I know._

“Don’t come to find me after tonight.”

Tears welled up in her eyes and realized mine did too. That was the first time I stopped pulling away from my emotions, the first time I became true to the feelings I only feel for her. I rushed to her arms, pulling her in an embrace. She kept trying to push me away, but I was stronger. I didn’t want her to go; I didn’t want her to leave, and _I didn’t want to lose her._

But those are the selfish sentences that I couldn’t tell her.

When I got home that night, I tossed and turned around my bed. I couldn’t fall into a deep slumber and settled for short, light naps that wake me up every hour. My mind is swimming with bad thoughts, scary thoughts that before the dreams end, I snap myself awake. I am afraid of dreaming about her demise, for if I did, it might come true. It was a silly worry, of course, dreams you take at night don’t come true.

But we both know her life is diverging into two roads… one leads on a long-winded path while the other has a dead end.

It rained when the clock ticked at 3AM, and I had an attack. My entire body felt like firing up and I couldn’t stop my heart from beating loudly. I groaned in my bed, losing my strength as I get to scream out loud one last time for my parents to hear. My mom came to my aid, and I fell into a long nap.

It would have been better if I died… or maybe not. It would be anticlimactic if I did. I didn’t know if Joohyun would be sad about my parting in this world, but I didn’t want to leave her and face the journey she will have from that day forward.

The next time I woke up, I was back in that hospital room. There is still a harsh storm outside the windows, but I drew the curtains open. I tried to block the sound of the downpour with all my mind, its music vibrating at the back of my mind. I tried to think of Joohyun’s voice, the smooth humming under her breath when I came to fall asleep on her shoulders during our usual afternoons. I tried to remember that night we spent together in our makeshift fort back in Chuncheon, and how I have her spooned in my arms until we both fall asleep.

I fished out my phone from the side drawer of my hospital bed and typed those words.

『I’d drench myself in the rain if it means I get to be with you. Sent: 3:47PM, November 23, 2009』

I sent the message. When I didn’t receive a reply after thirty minutes, I threw the fear that settled deep in me. I walked back and forth, silent to not alert the guards at my door. Like the second time, I caught a glimpse at her in the hospital, like that evening… I sneaked out the hospital in the pouring rain, holding unto my dear umbrella for life support as I grabbed a ticket to that town she always talks about, the land of eternal rain. I did, despite the slow poison killing me from within.

It was the most reckless thing I did, and the one I didn’t think through.

But I just wanted to see her, _I wanted to be there for her before she enters that room, before she takes foot at that point between the two, diverging roads._

I want to be there at the end of the other road, waiting for her.

In the end, she didn’t walk through the road where I was waiting endlessly.

It wasn’t her choice after all, and in her fight, despite an utter loss, is meaningful right? I tried to convince myself that every passing day. However, the seasons have now changed, and the passing storms and rains that autumn brought disappeared. I’d like to believe I was still there, waiting expectantly by the doors of the hospital in which she resided, under that unflagging rainstorm with my trembling limbs and my earnest heart.

The surgery went through and night turns to day, and then I lost my heart.

Next thing I knew, I sat wordlessly by the corner in her wake… and at her funeral. No tears escaped my eyes, nothing but the feeling of emptiness left in me. Seulgi came to give me a hug of comfort, Yerim left me a box of pastries from the bakery we adored… Sooyoung once walked to me and punched my face to snap me out of it. It didn’t serve its purpose.

I was broken, forlorn, and lost, despite the thought I was ready to say goodbye.

Turns out, there’s no way you can ready yourself for a farewell. Someone once said, no matter how gradual death can be, its arrival is always sudden. Even if you have long suffered from cancer, it’ll take just one day and you realize that they’re gone. You can cross a street, and perhaps you might get hit by a car.

On the tenth day after Joohyun’s demise, I thought I lost myself.

The afternoon I spent in the school library is now suffocating, as each corner reminds me of her smile that I would never get to see again. The books she read, which weren’t a lot, I kept it in our secret place, neatly stacked and away from people. I couldn’t even grab my guitar anymore, as each time I tried to play the song I wrote for her, I’d end up breaking down in sobs for she couldn’t hear the words I want to confess to her.

It almost felt like I became the blue knight in the stories, the one who’ll die alone with only a single person knowing his actual existence.

Then, Sooyoung in her white and blue striped uniform came to me one spring morning, like that princess in a shiny skirt in a story that Joohyun adored.

She spoke no words, just pushed something in my hands, and walked away. When I looked at what it was, I realized it was a notebook.

It was Joohyun’s diary.

I opened it up to the bookmark of a four-leaf clover and I was surprised by the sketch of jasmines. On the bottom of the page, there was a message scribbled in neat handwriting.

_The heart of the knight who hides behind her books, her song that spoke of love, it all reached mine… so I hope my heart touched and reached hers too and she’ll remember it when the rain comes… it has always been hers from the start._

It was then that I remembered the first diary entry I’ve read back in the hospital the second time.

「I will make my crush my girlfriend! 」

It was then that I knew Joohyun loves me. She always had, and always will, even way before the first time we met, way before she appeared before me that afternoon when she was drenched in rain.

Eleven years had passed since then, and despite the many changes, the memories she left behind stayed the same, true and significant that no amount of days and years that come by could fade it away. I am older now, perhaps wiser. However, eleven years and it was still Joohyun who lives in my heart, along with the love that was always screaming her name.

As the demise of the knight in the tale, I know that memories of Joohyun will be the last images I’ll see as I close my eyes.

The rain is still pouring hard outside my studio, but a smile forms on my lips. _Her heart reached mine… it always has._


End file.
